It is worse when I am an involved father and try to support my kids in all their current interests. Reflecting on my father’s parenting, he was stuck to traditional gender roles. It’s not uncommon for fathers of his era to prioritize being the breadwinner. I could have looked at him and said I will just be like that.

However, I made a conscious decision not to follow in his footsteps and became the engaged and involved father that I am today. Many other fathers I know are equally, if not even more, involved than I am.

Singapore’s Increase in Paternity Leave

In Singapore, paid paternity leave for fathers was recently increased from 2 weeks to 4 weeks. This policy change will apply to all fathers of Singaporean children born from 1^st Jan 2024 and beyond.

I had only two weeks of leave to bond with each of my four kids. While precious, it felt too short. I struggled to juggle work while helping my wife recover from childbirth and adjust to motherhood.

If only I had those extra two weeks, I could be fully present during the initial months without work pressures mounting. The additional leave would allow me to shoulder caregiving duties alongside my wife confidently.

Benefits of Generous Paternity Leave

As a father, more generous paternity leave could have significantly enriched my experience during my children’s infancy. The first days with a newborn are stressful as both parents figure things out.

More than two weeks are needed to find your groove, experiment, and develop optimal new routines. Four weeks allows fathers to be fully present without work gnawing at you. It provides precious time to bond without rushing and make mistakes without resentment.

Research shows clear benefits when fathers take extended paternity leave, as seen in countries like Norway, Sweden, and Canada.

Key benefits include reduced stress and improved wellbeing for mothers, who feel less overwhelmed with childcare duties. Fathers taking substantial leave leads to more equitable parenting long-term, promoting gender equality at home. Paternity leave also enables smoother handovers at work and gives couples time to establish new norms, fostering happier marriages despite sleep deprivation.

While I didn’t personally enjoy the four weeks of leave, I appreciate how extended paternity leave lays the foundation for secure attachment, shared parenting, and overall family well-being from the very beginning.

Culture Shift Still Needed in Singapore

As an involved father of four, I’ve faced the critical challenge of making time for my children amidst work demands and other responsibilities.

For me, this meant cut in social activities, and making a career shift to increase flexibility. While finances took a hit, nothing can replace time spent with my kids.

During the newborn phase, I learned to embrace every moment, even the less pleasant ones like diaper changes, as opportunities for bonding. Fathers should fully savor each stage and consistently show up for their children, whether it’s during night feeds or playtime. These small gestures accumulate into an unbreakable connection between father and child.

While Singapore’s increased paternity leave policy is a step in the right direction, a broader culture shift in the workplace and home is still required for involved fatherhood to be fully embraced.

Even with the additional leave provision, stigma remains towards fathers taking time off work for childcare duties. Outdated attitudes persist that this is primarily the mother’s responsibility. Many fathers still face implicit or explicit pressure from employers, colleagues and even family that they should minimise paternity leave.

We need to make paternity leave socially acceptable for men. Companies should implement parental leave policies in an equal, non-discriminatory way. Co-workers should understand and support fathers taking leave, not make them feel guilty.

These social expectations and pressures on fathers to downplay their parenting role continue to be barriers, even when official policies are family-friendly. For paternity leave to be effective, mindsets must evolve at organisational and societal levels. Fatherhood responsibilities should be valued as highly as workplace contributions. Using paternity leave must carry no stigma or career penalty for men.

We need to champion fathers as dedicated caregivers as much as dedicated employees. Singapore’s paternal leave policy is leading the way – now, our work and family cultures need to catch up.

Singapore has made a promising start, but further openness and support are required for equal parenting roles.

As an involved father, I’m encouraged by the increase in paternity leave. But for gender-equal parenting to become mainstream, we need continued efforts to transform mindsets and cultures.

It’s not like either of us brought any secret technique or strategy to bear on the wedding planning process. Neither Aurelia nor myself are particularly good at administration, and there were plenty of hiccups along the way. 

If you clicked on this blogpost hoping for a bypass link to book your favourite hotel banquet, I’m sorry to disappoint you! The truth is, there really is no secret to planning a wedding quickly. Planning a wedding is a lot like planning for retirement – it boils down to what you already have and more importantly, what you want. 

With that said, here are 3 reflections we have from our own experiences that will hopefully help you through that process, and maybe make wedding planning a bit less terrifying:

1. Limit the time you have 

Have you ever had a lengthy discussion with your partner on where to eat, only to settle on the original choice? The illusion of time spent planning is that you think you’re giving yourself more options, but really you’re just tiring yourself out. There are an infinite number of decisions to make in a wedding, and the more time you give to planning, the greater the number of decisions you have to make. And for the most part, those decisions will only exhaust you. Worse, they’ll make you less equipped to make the decisions that really matter. You’re not an expert in everything, and you don’t have to be to plan a wedding! 

A good way to filter out unimportant decision is to set deadlines. A better way is to discuss your priorities with your partner so that you both know what to give your time and attention to. Which takes us nicely into the next takeaway which is… …

2. Learn how to fight before a fight

The best time to learn how to fight is when you’re not fighting. Unlike a real fight, the both of you are on the same team. You’re not opponents, you’re doubles partners. Take the time before your planning starts to talk about the things that matter to you, the pursuits that you’re passionate about, the people you love. Learn how you communicate, learn what the other person prioritises and why. In other words, get to know each other.

Being an architect, Aurelia is a person who really cares about spacial experiences, and it was important to us that our wedding venue layout ensured our guests’ comfort. On the other hand, as a passionate food enthusiast, I really cared about the quality of the food. We made it a priority to engage in detailed discussions with the chef regarding the menu. Knowing each other’s priorities before we started planning helped us empathise with each other’s concerns and made the planning process a lot smoother (and quicker).

That said, there are probably things you care about that you don’t even know you do until you start planning a wedding. You may find yourself arguing about things you never thought you would, and even fighting over topics you didn’t know existed a week ago. And this again takes us nicely into the final takeaway, which is… …

3. Plan a marriage, not a wedding

The worst essays I’ve ever written are those where I’ve spent 3 days on the introduction, and 30 minutes on everything else. The truth is, the thing you’re actually planning for as a couple is your life together, not the 24 hours that marks its beginning. It’s important for sure, but it’s only a small part of a much larger story. No wedding is worth a marriage. 

The first item of ‘furniture’ we brought into our new place.

The week of our wedding, there were a few things still left undone. We hadn’t confirmed whether we would be labelling the free bottles of coffee we were providing for guests. It wasn’t clear how the guest table decorations would look like. Then on Tuesday, four days before our wedding, Aurelia had a gastrointestinal infection and was rushed to A&E, where she promptly fainted after seeing the blood that a doctor had drawn. Thankfully, it ultimately wasn’t major and she managed to make it to our wedding, albeit while on several painkillers and a muscle relaxant.

But if she wasn’t ok, I think both of us would have been fine postponing the wedding, even if it meant that we would have to radically change our plans and apologise to our guests. Because at that moment, it became clear to us what really mattered at the end of the day. And getting married on that exact day according to our exact plans wasn’t it.

Consider having a conversation with your partner about the life you both wish to create together. You might discover that you may not need a two-year planning period before you can embark on that journey.

I guess that’s why the term “rainbow baby” is so appropriate. It encapsulates the beauty and joy of overcoming a dark season of loss and despair. On August 22, we commemorate Rainbow Baby Day, for all who have gone through the heart wrenching experience of pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or neonatal death, and subsequently found new hope and life through the birth of another child.

Image credit: undefiningmotherhood.com/rainbow-baby-day

I have walked this difficult journey myself. Back in late 2012, I suffered an early miscarriage while trying for our 2^nd child. Our first pregnancy and birth had been easy and smooth-sailing, so I was really blindsided when our obstetrician gravely informed us that she could not detect a fetal heartbeat. I later learned that I had a blighted ovum, where the gestational sac and placenta developed, but without an embryo inside.

What I found most painful about the entire experience was the stigma associated with the subject of miscarriage, as if there was an unwritten rule that this was something we do not talk about. But I knew that staying silent through the sorrow was not the path to healing. I blogged about my experience right here on I Love Children, hoping that perhaps by sharing, I could help others in similar situations. Amazingly, so many friends responded to my blog post, sharing their own stories, and ultimately helping me heal as I realised I was not alone in this journey.

Commemorating Rainbow Baby day is yet another way to shatter the stigma and silence, and come together in solidarity and support for moms and moms-to-be. Greater awareness leads to better outcomes, especially in mental and emotional healing.

When we went through our miscarriage, my sweet husband tried to console me in all earnestness, saying there was technically no loss because the embryo did not even develop. Logical, but not helpful as I sobbed uncontrollably.

A mother’s hopes and dreams for her baby begin once those double lines appear. The loss is real. Even if well-meaning loved ones tell you that “it’s ok and you can always try again”, I want you to know, your feelings of sadness and despair are raw and valid. Do not feel pressured to shove your emotions down. Give yourself permission to grieve the loss. Let the pain rise from deep within, and let the tears freely fall.

Eventually, your heart and body will heal. You will have the opportunity to try again. But take the time to nurture yourself back to wellness in body, mind and spirit.

It took six months for my body and heart to heal and be ready to conceive again. Thankfully, we were blessed to become pregnant quite soon after, and welcomed our sweet rainbow baby into our family in February 2014!

Darling Caris at 2 weeks old

My rainbow baby at 9 years old now, with a rainbow ice cream cone!

I truly believe our rainbow baby, Caris, has brought about a two-fold restoration of joy and love, far greater than the loss we experienced. I hope and pray that all who walk this journey will also experience the restoration of a rainbow baby in their lives!

Have you also had a rainbow baby? Share your story in the comments, and encourage other moms who need hope for their journey!

As mothers, we never stop worrying. Sometimes it starts even before motherhood. Will I ever get pregnant? I remembered how I used to get worried whenever I stopped feeling movement in my belly, and was anxiously worried if that was a bad sign, having miscarried previously. When baby is out, we worry about them hitting milestones. Later, we worry if our kids are able to cope in school – managing their own academics, pocket money and sustaining friendships. At the heart of the matter, motherhood never lets us stop worrying.

As a mummy to 4 kids, I want to start out by saying that while all 4 of my children were late talkers, only 2 of them have actual Speech Delay. My eldest (boy) and my youngest (girl) may have taken longer than their peers to develop speech appropriate for their age, but are now talkative chatterboxes who express themselves well and often. In fact, my eldest was even the English Monitor for his class at Primary 1. 

On the other hand, my middle 2 kids, a boy and a girl, struggled in their younger years to make themselves understood. I remember this one time when my son at age 3 came up to me and tried to talk and make himself understood, but his speech was mostly gibberish. I tried deciphering multiple times what he might have been trying to say. After a few futile rounds of back and forth, he got quiet and hung his head, as if he had given up, and that broke me. A child as young as that should never have to feel like giving up on making himself understood.

I started noticing that while my second son met all the other milestones, he still was not able to talk, and barely babbled. Nothing changed. He turned 12 months, 14 months, 16 months, and not once called out to me verbally, but tugs on my clothes to get my attention. Not once would he ask me for water, but instead would cry when he was thirsty, and I would have to figure out why through trial and error. When I brought this up in conversation to friends and family, I was told multiple times not to worry because “boys always start talking later,” and how they knew of some other friend’s child who started late but was fine. The thing is, I could see firsthand that this was not similar to my eldest boy and continued being anxious. I’m sure this is the situation for many parents in my shoes, to be dismissed in our concern. As I type this, I am looking back at an old video of my son at age 3. I am playing with him and prompting him to speak. He giggles, clearly a happy child, but does not utter a single word no matter how many questions I ask him. Whereas another video of my eldest at age 3 shows him singing “Twinkle twinkle little stars,” and telling me to be quiet so his cars can sleep. The difference was really big. My younger boy was almost mute, save for some babbling.

How to get assessed:

Our Singapore Health Booklet posits that toddlers should be able to say “papa” or “mama” and have that refer to their parents by the age of 18 months, and use a combination of 2 words such as “play ball” by age 3. My middle 2 kids were both only able to call me mama around age 3, so their speech delay were quite pronounced at that time in my opinion. Health screening for infants to toddlers happen often and mostly together with mandatory vaccinations at our polyclinics, so I presented my concerns around the age 16 month mark to the doctor. At that point, my kids could not say anything other than babbling. The doctor referred me to KKH’s DCD (Department of Child Development). This took a couple of months.

 At KKH DCD, he was formally assessed by a specialist, and was confirmed to have Speech Delay. I was told to start intervention right away. My options was to either seek out a private therapist who could start seeing my kids right away, or go for the governmentally-subsidised EIPIC (Early Intervention Program for Infants and Children). While EIPIC was friendlier on the pocket as they offered income-based subsidy much like our current childcare subsidy, there was a waitlist involved, and that took another couple of months. There are many EIPIC centres around our island, and I chose one at a convenient location for me. There are 2 types of EIPIC intervention that was offered and I could select between arranging it to be a parent-accompanied session, or a drop-off session. In my experience, the parent-accompanied session has a shorter wait time hence I opted for that.

The program my son was offered was 2 hours a day, 4 times a week. I was still working a full-time job, and my son still attended childcare full-time, so this was a difficult arrangement to swallow, but I was insistent he get intervention as soon as possible. Having accompanied him alongside this journey of early intervention, the following is my opinion and experience: My son was in a class with only 3 other children, and there were 2 specially trained teachers offering a typical preschool curriculum, but arrangements were made such that the classes were conducted in a more conducive way. Activities were designed with consideration on how to work through the issues of the children in the class, and they saw a Speech Therapist one-to-one weekly.

I knew I couldn’t sustain this arrangement with my full time job, as I shuttled him almost daily between childcare and the EIPIC centre. After 2 terms, I had him transferred to another EIPIC centre that had a drop-off arrangement. I thought I could make this arrangement work, but with my job and dealing with the logistics of shuttling between these 2 centres, along with my other children, I could not sustain it. I withdrew him completely and instead hired a therapist to come into his childcare once a week during school hours to provide intervention. This immediately solved my job and logistics dilemma but it came at a price, literally. The private therapist coming once a week cost more than an entire week at EIPIC. 

To make up for this loss, I gave it my all when we were home. I read books with him, did role play and followed all the advice from my therapist. I think this is the key part here: to be involved in their development in the home setting, and not merely outsourcing it and leaving it as that. I’m proud to say that while he has not been discharged from KKH’s DCD at this point, he reads and speaks so well now, and has really come so far. He can cope with our mainstream schooling system, and will be entering P2 in 2023. This is the same boy that was recommended to repeat Nursery at his childcare for being so behind his peers. I honestly feel very proud of how far he’s come.

The situation with my speech-delayed daughter is somewhat different. For one, she never attended EIPIC because I used the same private therapist to come to her childcare during schooling hours. For some reason, I held on to the belief that she would achieve her milestones faster on the account of her being a girl, but truly gender has no bearing in this situation. She will enter K2 in 2023, and is still mostly illiterate, whereas my son was able to read at K1 with intervention. I have found out why though. She is suspected of being dyslexic and thus has problems with figuring out the alphabets in general. She will start additional weekly intervention with DAS (Dyslexia Association of Singapore) in January 2023. I have this 1 year to help her get ready for the rigours of Primary 1, and intend to make full use of it.

My advice:

1. It is better to trust someone with expertise, and always take advice from friends or family with a pinch of salt. They may be well meaning, and may know a friend/colleague whose child “grew out of it” on their own, but that may not be your situation. My case is a prime example. I had children who “grew out of it” without help, and had children who needed the help. Let a medical practioner assess your child.

2. The earlier the better. Even 1 year makes a huge difference to a young child. Expectations get harder for your child the older they grow, so trying to meet appropriate milestones get that much harder too.

3. Follow the advice of the doctors and therapists. Almost all therapy sessions come with follow-through homework and advice on their routines and such, and while it can be taxing to incorporate so much change into their home routine, it’s really for their benefit.

4. Manage your expectations. It can be hard to see our friends with children who are very talkative and well on in their progress of hitting milestones. It’s ok. My son and daughter may have their speaking challenges, but they are also one of the most caring and empathetic children there are. They offer help readily to others without prompt, they show concern to others in distress and are very affectionate. Remember that we all have our different strengths.

5. Get ready to open up your wallet. Intervention is not cheap. Private speech therapy centres charge roughly $200/hour, so if you are a Singapore citizen, EIPIC is really the way to go. Know that helping them early could possibly save you in the long run, when they reach milestones sooner and even qualify to be discharged from intervention when they are able to match their peers.

It also happens to be the most extended birth process, as it took almost 16 hours from checking into the hospital to his eventual arrival.

Holding him in my arms, I felt a tinge of love and awe. But it was very quickly overtaken by a wave of fear and doubt.

Where is the user manual? What am I supposed to do next?

Am I even ready for this huge responsibility?

Little did I know that fatherhood would be the best thing that ever happened to me.

It would change me in unexpected ways and teach me valuable lessons that I want to share with you.

In this post, I will tell you how fatherhood has changed my perspective on life, goals, character, and lessons learned.

Perspective

One of the first things that fatherhood changed in me was my perspective on life.

Before I became a father, it was always about me and myself.

Life centred around my needs and wants, which come before anything else.

But when you have a little life in your hands (literally), things take a huge right turn.

Their impromptu demands at the worst possible timings (think when you are about to rush to the toilet to poop but you can’t as they started crying) made any pre-planned priorities impossible.

Long gaming hours are gone. Last-min couple of trips to Bangkok are out the window.

Those got replaced by a larger sense of responsibility to care for someone else more than myself.

It can be tiring, especially during the earlier years, but all it takes is a small smile lasting less than a second. It makes all the hours of work worthwhile.

Over time, it made me more grateful for what I have, more compassionate and realistic about the present.

Life Goals

I was running my first business when my first kid arrived.

The business was almost everything I did because it meant everything to me.

It meant more to me than my health, soon I realised that I had been placing excessive importance on my physical time in the office.

But time is the last thing one can control when a kid arrives.

Kids don’t work around your calendar. It is often the other way around.

And this was an era before remote work, and Zoom had been invented.

I had to adjust my commitment to work and delegate more than ever.

Additionally, I realised that I had been placing excessive importance on my physical presence in the office.

There is an alternative approach to achieving productivity.

But, importantly, it made me reevaluate my life goals. And it taught me to be flexible and adaptable in the sea of change.

The necessity to learn new parenting skills also permeated into other aspects of life as I started to pick up reading again.

Character

This is a tricky section since I would likely wax lyrical about my characteristics.

But fatherhood made me more aware of my shortcomings and my lousy temperament.

The occasional outburst would typically follow with a colossal tinge of guilt.

What would my kids think? Will they also mirror that when they grow up?

I realised that my character had flaws and weaknesses that needed to be improved. I realised that I had to be a good role model for my son, and that means I need to work on my emotions and recognise them early before it manifests out of control.

Fatherhood nudged me to adopt meditations and breathing exercises and become a better person my kids can use as a role model.

Life Lessons

The last thing that fatherhood changed in me was my life lessons learned.

Before I became a father, I had a certain amount of knowledge and wisdom that I gained from my experiences and education.

I knew a lot of things that I didn’t understand.

I have been leading an unexamined life.

Starting with reading up more and listening to podcasts on parenting, I realised there was so much more to learn and understand in life.

I realised I had to be a lifelong learner and a curious explorer.

It made me ask more questions and listen more attentively.

Fatherhood made me learn new lessons every single day.

Fatherhood has been the most rewarding and challenging experience of my life. It has changed me unexpectedly and taught me valuable lessons I want to share.

I hope you enjoyed reading about how fatherhood has changed my perspective, life goals, character, and life lessons learned.

If you have any fatherhood stories or insights to share, please leave a comment below.

And remember, fatherhood is not a destination but a journey.

Enjoy every moment of it.

In the physical aspect, at face value, I won’t bore you with details of how my body has changed. Long story short, I am no longer the size I used to fit. And that’s okay! This little person here produced two even littler persons and that’s quite a feat!

When you hear the word motherhood, what other words spring to mind? For me, I don’t know why, but the first word is pain, exhaustion, firsts, joy, what is sleep, sleep is for the weak, sacrifice, more sacrifice, wonderment. I think there are actually lots more down the list and I could go on and on. But being on this side now, I realized how extensive a role a mother has. Learning to care for another entire human being is a lot of work…

1. Solidarity

My empathy for struggling mothers or parents has skyrocketed since becoming a mother. Even movies that lightly touch on parental woes or about their love for their child can so easily move me to tears now. No one tells a soon-to-be mum how tough it’s gonna be the first few months. It is like a culture shock, and it can feel very lonely because you’re the baby’s main caregiver, and in many cases we are also their source of food. It can also feel like you’re being thrown into the deep end and you’ll have to find the way out yourself. I’m here to say, it’ll get better. You’ll get better at it and you’ll find your rhythm. You are not alone! When you’re awake in the dead of the night to tend to your baby, think of it this way, there are many mothers beyond your walls who are awake too. You can do this!

2. New Normal

Being a mother means a newly configured life/lifestyle. Admittedly, many things will revolve around the child now whether you like it or not. Our holidays are now child centred and we actually really enjoy watching them being excited at new things, and the pure sense of wonderment you see in their eyes is really such a joy to witness. Being tired before kids is way different from being tired after having kids. The word exhaustion may not even come close to describing it. I think every night is a knocked out sleep

3. Stop being judgemental

Before kids, it was quite easy to pin point mistakes that parents make. After kids, I sympathise when I know that parents don’t deliberately teach their kids to do the wrong things, rather it’s hard to teach if your kid just doesn’t listen, or have such a strong personality that it takes more than one time to remind them that what they’re doing is not right. When we’re outside, it is so easy to judge an angry parent being impatient with their child but if you’re a parent yourself, you’ll know that kids can really push you to your limits. And that angry parent may have been pushed to their limit that day, so I won’t be quick to judge.

Entering and living the motherhood life is kinda strange because it is like a whole different realm that coexisted with the rest of us, but we will never ever get the goings-on of that realm until we enter it and experience it ourselves first hand. Until then, maybe don’t be so quick to cast the first stone. We are all trying to be good parents and trying our best to manage the expectations of our little ones with creative and sometimes demanding requests. You know, toddler logic.

Thanks for reading my entry and Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers and/or caregivers! I Love Children Singapore is running a Mother’s Day contest, click here to find out more! Good luck!

Well, now with social media, just living life is a job! Documenting weekend activities with your child to show you’re a hands-on parent. Getting the perfect golden hour shot on date night to prove the spark in your marriage is still alive and well!

Marriage

Take your marriage for example, date nights were never a thing for our parents’ generation yet they stayed married for yonks. How do we manage the very real stress of social media and afford these converted date nights? I read an article that talked about the 2:2:2 ratio. A date night every 2 weeks. Spend a weekend alone every 2 months. Take a week-long holiday every 2 years.

We’ve started adopting this and it’s helped greatly! Emotionally and financially. Weekends alone, don’t mean booking a staycation. My husband takes the kid out so I get the whole day alone by myself, then I return the favor, or we let our daughter stay over at her grandparents so we’re alone together.

Family time

Truly, with or without a live-in helper it takes a village to raise a child, especially if both parents are working full time. The one thing I found that helped me the most with this is letting go of control.

I was working on different radio campaign’s, overseeing the social media team, writing part time as well as doing a nightly show. The second I got back, I wanted to feed my baby and do her whole bedtime routine. Only I knew how to put the baby to sleep the “right” way.

While I was “doing it all” the “quality” wasn’t there. I wasn’t enjoying it. Slowly, I let things go. The baby would have dinner at my parents house for example, giving me some time to come home, bathe and unwind a little. My helper would bathe her, and I would read her a couple of books before putting her to sleep or again handing it over to my helper to do so. It was so difficult to convince myself that I wasn’t being a neglectful mother. Making these small changes helped immensely.

“Happy mommy, happy baby.” I had more time to decompress, which also meant I had more time to appreciate the help I was getting. Instead of the obligatory family outings, I found myself wanting to spend more time with my parents, just to see them enjoy time with their grandchild.

Career progression while pregnant

This honestly is a tricky one. Saying that I’ve cracked the code is a lie. I’m fortunate enough to really love my job. I get to be creative and dream up wild ideas. With my first child, jumping back into the swing of things was a piece of cake. I only took 2 months of my maternity leave.

This time round, I know things aren’t going to be the same. I struggle with feeling like I’m not doing enough or giving my best at work. Talking to friends who have had multiple children, and even a few of my superiors, gave me a much clearer perspective on things. Yes, things are going to be different this time round, and they should be!

I had to stop thinking that things were one or the other. Either give my children my all or step up and take on more responsibilities at work for another promotion. Instead, it was, learning priorities. I didn’t have to make an appearance at every event I was invited to just to stay relevant. I wasn’t needed in every work meeting either. My kids honestly wouldn’t know who fed them and changed their diapers, nor did it matter.

Again, it’s one of those things that’s easier said than done. Michelle Obama says her parenting philosophy is, “That one day my children put me out of business”. She wants to raise such a well rounded independent child that she no longer needs to manage them but can sit back and watch them blossom.

I could not agree more! It’s because you’ve laid the foundation so well, and it’s because of you, things are still able to carry on without micromanaging.

Practice makes perfect!

While daunting I’m not discouraged. Women have been doing remarkable things since the dawn of time. Much with anything in life, the key is to acknowledge, appreciate and accept your limitations.

I challenge you to stop “keeping up with the Jones’s” Realising parenting isn’t an, “in the moment” activity is vital.

You’ll be a parent as long as your child is alive, and you’ll have the ability to make mistakes and make it up to them over and over again. Remember, you are enough, and no one can be better at being you than you. Practice makes perfect, and yet perfect doesn’t exist. In conclusion? You got this sister!

In many ways, the talks came at an appropriate time, as we’ve been recently asking our (slightly older) couple friends about what their journey trying to have a child has been like. And what we’ve found out from our friends is simply this: fertility and pregnancy are complicated things! We have friends who tried for 7 years to have a child without any success, and we also have friends in their early 30s who are currently expecting their 2^nd and 3^rd child – twins! So even though we haven’t started trying yet, we’re looking to try sooner rather than later, and these talks seemed like a great opportunity to learn more about what this whole process was like.

Aurelia and I finding out about ICSI for the first time – watch the talk if you don’t know what that is!

So here are 3 takeaways we had from the talks that we found helpful:

1. Intimacy is more important than just trying to conceive

Both Aurelia and I really appreciated how the 3 March seminar started off with talking about couple intimacy while trying to conceive (“Intimacy while trying to conceive”, Dr Tan Tse Yeun”). It’s a funny thing – sex is such an intimate, delicate, and personal moment between a couple, and yet it’s also a task that needs to be done for pregnancy to happen. We haven’t been married for long, but we’ve already realized that sex is both something that is romantic and intense, yet it’s also something that needs to be talked about, discussed – even planned! So much more if we’re trying to conceive. We were helped by Dr Tan’s simple advice to maintain intimacy in non-physical ways, and fiercely guarding our relationship with each other from that task-oriented mindset that can turn sex into a chore, rather than an opportunity for us to enjoy each other.

2. Teamwork makes the dream work

I was moved by Dr Liu Shu Ling’s answer to one of the audience questions on “How can couples prepare for a loss?” It can be so easy to play the blame game. Even just 4 months into marriage, I’ve already seen how much I tend toward blaming Aurelia for wrongs that even I commit. Instead, couples ought to understand that at the end of the day, they’re on the same team. Dr Liu’s answer reminded us that we can and need to lean on each other through this entire process, and bear with each others’ weaknesses and sorrows.

3. Every pregnancy is different, so listen to your own body

We loved it when Physician Seah Ai Wei said that a pregnant woman can still drink bubble tea!

Our reaction when we realized that Aurelia might still be able to drink bubble tea!

On a serious note, it was helpful to hear from an expert that while there are real considerations to make regarding food and exercise, getting pregnant doesn’t mean you need to put everything on hold. It was interesting to note that you can even get acupuncture in the first trimester. Life continues on through pregnancy, and it’s more important to pay attention to your own body, rather than listen to every old wives’ tale about what you can and cannot eat. As a young couple we’ve received a lot of well-intentioned advice from friends and family about conceiving and it can feel a bit overwhelming. It was a relief to hear that every pregnancy is different, and what might be good for someone else might not necessarily be good for you.

All in all, I would highly recommend watching the Facebook recordings of the sessions. For those of you who have more technical questions about the mechanics of pregnancy and other related topics like IVF, TCM, I would recommend the 10 March session recording, where Dr Janice Tung and Dr Ethiraj Balaji Prasath go in-depth discussing these topics. We’re looking forward to checking out more of these sessions in the future!

Watching the recordings here:

3 March 2023 (Friday)

10 March 2023 (Friday)

Some people prefer to have a big family, while others choose to have only one or two children. 

I decided on having more when we had two because I have a sister, and we are not on talking terms.

What if my son and daughter become just like my sister and me?

So I did the silliest thing – I hedged it by having more kids.

That journey from two to four also gave me a lens on what it was like and how it is now.

Let’s start with the Pros of a big family.

Pros:

Built-in Support System

One of the most significant benefits of having a big family is the built-in support system. With many siblings, you can always count on someone to have your back. Whether it is for advice, a listening ear, or help in a time of need, you will always have someone to turn to. This can be especially beneficial in times of crisis or when dealing with difficult situations.

Always Someone to Play With

Growing up with many siblings means there is always someone to play with. Whether a game of catch in the backyard or a board game on a rainy day, there is never a dull moment with a big family. This can help children develop strong social skills and build lasting friendships with their siblings.

Greater Personality Diversity

A big family often means a more diverse family. With more siblings, different personalities and interests are more likely. This can help children develop a broader worldview and appreciation for diversity, which can benefit all aspects of life. 

Learning Important Life Skills

With a big family, children often have to learn essential life skills, such as sharing, compromise, conflict resolution, and teamwork. These skills can help them navigate relationships and situations throughout their lives. Seeing the eldest showing the ropes to the younger ones warms my heart.

Cons:

Financial Burden

One of the most significant drawbacks of having a big family is the financial burden. With more children, there are more expenses, including food, clothing, housing, education, and extracurricular activities. This can strain the family budget and limit opportunities for travel, entertainment, and other luxuries. We have to be more discerning about holidays and the enrichment they need.

Less Individual Attention

With many siblings, it can be challenging for parents to give each child the individual attention they need. This can lead to feelings of neglect or being left out, especially for quieter or more introverted children. Especially when we have already been there, done that for the earlier kids. It may be the first time for the 4th one at USS, but it could be the 20th for us.

Limited Personal Space

With a big family, personal space can be limited. Sharing a room or personal items can be frustrating for some children. This can also limit opportunities for alone time and privacy. My teenage son is at that stage, resulting in his younger brother sleeping in the study room instead.

Increased Stress and Responsibility

Having a big family can be stressful and overwhelming at times. Parents may feel pressure to provide for their children, manage household responsibilities, and balance work and family life. This can increase stress and anxiety, affecting both parents and children. It is self-evident during the Covid-19 lockdown, 3 had Home-Based Learning simultaneously. As the designated on-site tech support, I barely have time for my work.

Conclusion:

Deciding to have a big family is a personal choice that depends on many factors, including personal values, financial situation, and lifestyle preferences. While there are many benefits to having a big family, there are also significant drawbacks to consider. Ultimately, the decision to have a big family should be made carefully considering all the pros and cons.

Being a parent is also one of the motivating factors for him to work independently as a fractional CMO. Thus, giving him the time and flexibility to spend time with the kids during off-peak days. Also, because he is a crowd phobic.

He used to run a parenting blog called My Funtastic Four. An article titled “How I survived bringing 3 kids out alone” went viral and motivated him to start it.