24 March 2023, by Jill Lim

Intimacy with baby on board

Remember being young and dating? Occasionally made challenging by an over bearing mother. You’d have to have the recon skills and mastermind planning of a grade A spy whenever arranging a rendezvous with your paramour. Have an answer for every question she would ask. “Who are you going out with?” Have a back up plan in case she suspects anything, “Who is this friend? Why haven’t I met them before?” Sneak back home quietly, in case she woke up. At 32, sadly the only thing that’s changed about my love life is the she in question. No more an eagle eyed mother, but a clingy tyrant of a 2 year old. This is the reality of intimacy with a baby already on board.

It’s important to have a plan.

I’m all about the plans. We’re going to enjoy marriage for a year before even trying to have a child. We are going to only have 2. The age gap will be under 3 years. I want them all before 35.

Lily was about 1 year 3 months at the time, I was shifted to the morning show which meant I woke up at 430am, and went to bed before 9pm. My husband would get back at about 8pm.

“Here’s the plan, you need to change your schedule! If you really want another baby as much as I do, you need to be committed, you need to come home earlier!” Not exactly the bedroom foreplay talk any man wants to hear.

Once he was home, there was no time for him to have dinner and unwind. It was straight to work! “Hurry up! You know she’s teething! She’ll wake up soon!” With one eye on the baby monitor and the other on the clock stressing about how little sleep I’d be getting. Sex was anything but enjoyable.

 

When the “joy of trying” becomes the “chore of trying”.

After 6 months of trying with no success, I was angry. We did this once before! Why is it taking so long? On the 7th month, I got pregnant! FINALLY! Swiftly just 3 weeks later, we lost the baby. Now my anger was a mixture of rage and resentment.

Naturally, I took things out on the punching bag, I mean husband. “You know how stressed I am, you’re not helping enough. I’m always doing all the work and buying ovulation strips and tests. You say you want another but you don’t show it.”

If I’m being perfectly honest, this wasn’t the first time he’s heard this speech. He was numb to it. He finally replied, “You’ve never once asked how I feel”. He looked so hollow.

 

Remembering that you’re partners first.

Seeing how emotionless he was, hurt my heart greatly. I thought about things. He’d come home to a sleeping wife nightly. Eat dinner alone. When Lily woke up fussing, he’d go sleep with her. Then wake up with his wife already at work. The only time his wife paid him any attention was during the all sacred ovulation window.

That wasn’t much of a relationship, let alone a marriage.

Fortunately, I had parents who lived nearby and were great with Lily. She’d occasionally spend the night with them, or they’d take her for the better part of the day on Sunday. Leaving us with the all important, “alone time”. Not necessarily to make a second baby. Just to reconnect. Catch each other up with work, a meal, just sitting quietly holding each other watching a show.

I made the conscious effort to thank my husband more for the little things. “Thanks for bathing in the common toilet so you didn’t wake me.” Random messages telling him I missed him . Knowing your partner’s love language and prioritizing it makes a world of difference!

We went from co-workers tasked with making a baby, back to partners creating life.