6 November 2020, by Patrina Tan
The natural question that comes after “When are you getting married?” is always “When are you planning for a kid?”
There is a difference between those who genuinely care and those who are using that as a conversation starter. John and I have no qualms talking about this to our friends who genuinely care. It makes us feel that they are invested in our relationship and wants the best for us. But what do you do to those who are merely asking and have zero EQ when posing that question to you?
Just last month, I encountered someone who nonchalantly asked me if I’m pregnant and even placed her hand on my stomach just because I was wearing a non-structured maxi dress (maybe I put on some weight luh). When I told her I wasn’t, she went “Really meh?”. I was obviously triggered and went on a ranting spree on my IG. Many women then shared similar stories with me and I am appalled. That’s when I realised, there are many people out there who do not understand the pain behind women who are trying for a baby, thus this post.
After we got married, we wanted to enjoy the comfort of our own house and some couple time before sharing it with someone who will require our attention 24/7. So John and I only started planning for a kid late last year. We went for a fertility health check at Thomson Fertility Centre and was cleared of anything that could be in the way of conceiving. The doctor did mention that I had a cyst and told us that it should not be a problem as long as it does not grow in size (Ladies, please do your regular check-up!). Overall, it is fairly common for women to have cyst. Apart from checking the ladies, men are not spared from a sample check on their sperm too. The clinic provides free WiFi so don’t worry about bursting your data. HAHAHAHA!
Since the check-up, it has been close to 1.5 years, and sad to say, I am not pregnant yet. We both thought that it will be easy but little did we know, it requires a lot more effort. Just a month ago, we also explored Thomson Chinese Medicine and met up with Physician Ho to further understand how TCM can be of help in our conception journey. The diagnosis of my health stats was pretty accurate (or so I think). I was surprised that she could even point out that I skipped my breakfast that day just by feeling my pulse. She recommended acupuncture to tiao-sen (to better prepare my body for conception) but I don’t think I’m ready for that cos I’m kinda afraid of the needles. So I think we will put that on hold for a while. Anyways, we are very thankful that there is no pressure from our parents as they understand our objectives in life and also because they are already grandparents of a few grandchildren. Else I think we would be feeling a bit more pressure. We would like to thank our sisters for working so hard in this field. HAHAHA!
But as time goes by, I started to feel the pressure that I set for myself. Honestly, I thought I would be pregnant by now. It is inevitable to feel disappointed whenever the pregnancy kit shows a single line instead of a double. And it doesn’t help seeing people around you getting pregnant one by one. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for them. However, it made me reflect on my own journey and can’t help but wonder, is there something wrong with me? And on days when I decided to not think about it, I will receive DMs asking if I’m pregnant or whether I am planning for one. These are people whom I do not know and people whom I hardly speak to. Question is, do you really care? Or do you just want to be the first to say “I knew it”.
Pregnancy is a sensitive topic to some and I hope the people around you and I, can be a bit more understanding of our feelings. What if I just had a miscarriage or have been diagnosed with some illness that will restrict me from conceiving? What if I have been battling with thoughts that will make me feel lousy about myself? The one comment could be a trigger point to a breakdown. Everyone has their own struggles and stories. Let’s be kinder with our words. 🙂