14 February 2019, by E-van and Terry

I Hate You!

FRICTION… the dictionary defines it as

a) the force that resists relative motion between two bodies in contact and

b) the clashing between two persons or parties of opposed views.

For obvious reason, I’ll be focusing on the clash between two persons with opposing views, aka our relationship.

I’m no guru at solutions regarding how to minimise the friction between couples but here is what I have applied and practiced:

1. Angry Words are Permanent Residents

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I learnt this the hard way because I’ve said words that I don’t mean in the pique of anger.I can never take back what I’ve said and I know they hurt deeply.

Because you are at your wits end, you pull out the hardest punches and hope it stabs them and the sad part is, it does stab them and they will remember it.

So before you react to attack, stop yourself and take a breather. Think about how those words can affect them and how you’re not helping to build their character but in fact you’re just bringing them down.

We should always lift up our better halves and be their pillar of support. Remember to tackle the problem in good time and not the person.

2. “I” not “You”

Let’s face it girls, guys aren’t good at the guessing game…so by saying “I’m fine” (when we clearly are not) is not going to guilt trip your man…they will (YES THEY WILL) really think that you ARE fine!

It will definitely lead to further problems especially when ladies have a good storage space for angry memories that will be waiting to jump out at the “right” time.

No matter how hard it is, it’ll be good to spell out the reason on why we’re upset.

I learned that it is also better to use “I” instead of “you”.

Try “I felt hurt/sad/ un-cared for when you said that” rather than “What is wrong with you, why must you always talk like that?” Because using “you” jumps into accusing and the person on the receiving end can easily feel like they have to defend themselves whereas using “I” makes the person feel for you and might try to understand where you’re coming from.

3. Words of Encouragement

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I always think that words of encouragement are appreciated. Likewise from words that hurt, words of encouragement stays too.

In fact, they can be said again and again to remind them of their attributes. People often need assurance and it doesn’t hurt to help. I think our better halves would really appreciate hearing what we like about them and what makes us love them more.

4. Acts of Service

When words aren’t enough, some of us really appreciate it when our better halves do things for us. Such as cook a meal, do the dishes, the laundry, clean the floor or basically do something for our better half just to help make their lives a little bit easier.

Think of it this way, wouldn’t a nice massage from your spouse be great after a long day of work? Don’t forget to return the favour 🙂

5. Compromise

Compromising may not necessarily be the easiest thing to do…

But, in marriage, we will eventually learn to be pros at it.

We learn to adapt to each other’s likings and we have to take turns to give in. Sometimes, it is worth letting go because some things are not worth the energy to get angry over…

We can practice not to nitpick on little stuff because…many times, we will not even remember what we got angry over in the first place!

If it’s your turn to give in, just breathe through it when you’re annoyed. It helps! Haha. In fact, Terry and I have been together for so long, we kinda know which buttons NOT to push. It’s all in due time.

Of course I’m not an expert, but being in previous relationships taught me some of these and I think it’s helped me become a better person for my spouse.

We definitely still have our arguments once in a while but it’s only normal in a relationship right? We just have to make sure we are careful with our words.

Once again, tackle the problem, not the person.

I end this post with an impactful message I stumbled upon when a 65-year-old woman shared her secret to a long and happy marriage with her husband:

“We were born in a time when if something breaks, we would FIX it, not throw it away.”

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