12 January 2013, by Actonel
After ending the arduous two week wait, I went back to work only to be inundated with an avalanche of work that had piled up while I was away, and while I was grateful for supportive co-workers who had pitched in to take on some of the load, there were things that were simply impossible for anyone else to cover. I’ve since managed to clear some of the backlog, but there’s a lot more that I haven’t done.
It Didn’t Work
IVF didn’t work for us. I started seeing a few spots towards the end of the 2 weeks, after which I rang the KKIVF Clinic and was told to come in for a blood test in the morning. The clinic rang a couple of hours later, and I was informed by a most businesslike nurse that the result was negative. We don’t have any frozen embryos, so Round One ends here. In a follow-up appointment with our doctor, we were told we had one Grade 3 and one Grade 4 embryo inserted, which to us, seemed pretty good. We know of more miserable-looking embryos that made it to the human being stage, and more attractive-looking ones that didn’t. Since the ability to determine who lives and who doesn’t isn’t in our hands, right now I’m pretty torn up over wondering if we created two offsprings who weren’t meant to be, only just to die. Until I can address these issues, I’m not sure I can agree to do another round of IVF.
Did I Cry?
I was surprised that I didn’t (and still haven’t) shed a single tear over this — I probably wouldn’t have expected to have felt so detached from the news. I was naturally disappointed, but took the news like a failed exam result (but then again, most of us have control over exams because we can choose to study or not). There’s always hope for the future, with or without children, and I’m choosing to believe we can still lead meaningful and purposeful lives as we are. The husband was more badly affected, unfortunately, and it took some time for me to try to console him.
I’m writing this in the wake of the tragic news about the Connecticut school shootings, and looking at the faces of each child on the news made me want to cry — yes, strangely more than my own negative IVF result. In an affluent community, it makes sense that some of them would have been IUI or IVF babies. If so, I wonder how many mothers there had cried over each period at the end of each month, each failed IUI/IVF attempt, and had finally celebrated after clearing each milestone, from a positive pregnancy test, to a safe delivery, to the first milestone of their child’s first day at school. And then, for it all to end almost without any meaning at all, makes the entire process so much more tragic.
Coming to my thoughts for 2013, while I can’t legitimately write as an expectant mother or parent just yet, I can still write about my own marriage and hopefully, encourage all of you out there who are hoping to get married — marriage is a beautiful thing, and while it takes a lot of work, it’s something I’m so glad I got into. I can’t imagine living without the husband, and the whole experience of trying for a child has brought us even closer together. We’ve been prescribed a new ovulation drug called Letrozole —it started out as a breast cancer treatment, but apparently has proven effective for women who haven’t responded to Clomid. It works the same way, with pills taken from the 2nd to the 6th day of each menstrual cycle.
While I could choose to wallow in this miserable state of infertility, I’m acutely aware that there is so much to be thankful and grateful for at the same time: Medisave plus the Government grant which meant we didn’t have to fork out a single cent from our own pockets; a supportive supervisor and co-workers who helped to cover the 2 weeks away; and family and friends who have walked the journey with us. We are very blessed. Wishing all of you a fantastic new year ahead, filled with happiness, new possibilities, and great opportunities.