19 August 2012, by Dannie Cho

Results – Then and Now

It was the typical day at work. A bit of fire-fighting here and there, but generally a day that I could work on long-term plans as well as focus a little on the short-term. So typical, that I was feeling just that little bit bored.

Then, an SMS came in, and changed my day completely.

“Hey baby. Your sperm is great. I love you! Muak!”

Okaaaaayyyyyyy… the wife was obviously in a good mood! That familiar stirring started in my jeans. With a smile on my face, I attacked my work with much gusto, humming the Black Eyed Peas, “I gotta feeling (ooooh hoo)… that tonight’s gonna be a good night. Tonight’s gonna be a good, good night.”

Then her second message brought me back to Earth.

“Test results are in. Your sperm is okay. We can proceed with IVF!”

Oh. IVF only ah? Cheyyyy… Down, boy!

On a more serious note, I clamoured to see my sperm test results when I got home. It seemed pretty good.

I have great sperm!

Then I decided to compare against my results way back in April 2010, a mere 25 months ago, and I was pretty shocked.

The 2010 results

Volume was 0.1ml higher, which I attribute to being more experienced at sperm collection. Because I’m such an old hand now.

Motility (how good the sperm is at swimming) dropped by 5%. Time to sack the swim coach!

Density (how tightly packed my little tadpoles are. not how smart) dropped from 110 to 93. Which, according to my super Maths whiz-brain, is a 15% drop.

I couldn’t help but wonder if this is an effect of age.

If motility drops by 5% every 2 years, then I only have about 12 more years of moving sperm left. Not that I need such a long time to make babies no. 2 and no. 3, but it does seem disturbing. When I have sex at the virile age of 50, my sperm will be like, “No! I’m not going in there. Can’t be bothered and you can’t make me! Nya nya nya nya nya!”. And then, it would just find a nice cosy spot to snooze until the Tissue Monster comes. Sigh.

And what about density? Sometime 6 – 7 years from now, my semen will basically contain only 1 – 2  sperm. It’s like being the only krill in the Pacific Ocean! How sad is that?

But then again, there is no guarantee that these declines are in a straight line. In fact, chances are that it is a curve, which mean the effects of aging will affect the deterioration of sperm even faster.

But such thoughts do remind me that our bodies all run on an internal clock. We are merely mortal. Our bodies will slow down, and they may break down. Having a baby is something that simply cannot be postponed for too long, because eventually, that choice might be taken from you.

But anyway, regardless of the difference in the 2010 results and the 2012 results, the fact remains that my little boys and girls still have what it takes. They passed their exams! Time to go to Disneyland! Woot!

Umm… well. Not exactly Disneyland. It was more like, time to wait for the wife’s eggs to be harvested, then also, at the same time, deliver a fresh batch egg-seeking missiles to the hospital.

Yup. ‘Egg-seeking’ times are up ahead!

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