11 July 2011, by Jaime Teo
When I heard this line in the past, I’d think what if it’s “Out of Sight, Out Of Mind”? After all, there are two sides to everything.
I’ll confess to worrying thinking that Renee would pick the latter if I were out to work. What if she forgets me? What if she doesn’t come to me when she is frightened because Mommy is not there in the day? A lot of “What-ifs” borne of deep seated insecurity issues that even the most happy person has a little bit of (or so I’d like to think).
As I spend more hours in the day away from Renee because I’m busy preparing for my shop’s opening, I am slowly getting used to being away from her physically. The first few days were the toughest — I kept wanting to go home or wanting to bring her with me. Being with her ALL the time for the last year has made me so used to being with her that it feels odd for us to be apart.
Little reminders of Renee everywhere would make me miss her more — like the windup duckie toy in the backseat that gives a gruff “quack” whenever the car goes over a hump; or her little hairclip in my bag as I’m digging for change; or even as I’m decorating a cupcake with sprinkles and I remember her using the bottle of sprinkles as a shaker. I know, I know, I sound like a lovelorn teenager going through a break up =p
I used to laugh when I read about kids’ first few days in school—about the usual lot of crying and reluctance to let go of hands – and that’s just the mothers. I thought surely mothers have got their stuff together… Now I’m wondering if I should bring her to school for her first day when the day comes. I’d be the most embarrassing mom on the block 😛
Isn’t childbearing supposed to make a woman stronger?? I feel like it has spoilt my tear ducts for some unfathomable reason — my eyes fill up so easily these days. When I read about the poor mother who accidentally hit her child; when I read about the young girl who is trying to raise funds for her cancer treatment; when I read about little children being abused…. Ok, just writing about it is making my eyes water so let’s not digress… I’m such a wuss!
I now understand why many working moms say the highlight of their day is when they see their babies at the end of the day. Seeing Renee’s face light up with a big big smile when she sees me makes ANY day better. And then she runs to give me a big hug and does this funny patting action on my back. Like she’s the mother and I’m the child and she’s telling me it’s alright I wasn’t there in the day because she had a good day.
Then everything is alright because absence has made My heart grow fonder.