16 October 2010, by Tan Yi Lin
CLASSIFIED: URGENT ACTION REQUIRED
For God’s Approval – Not Approved/ Approved
Director (Human Development) – Supported
Deputy Director (Human Resources) – Supported
How are you? I hope you’re doing well and that the weather is nice up there in heaven. It’s been unbearably hot and humid down here. I suspect one of your angels may have pushed up the thermostat a tad too much while on Weather Watch duty earlier this week. You may want to check on that.
My friend sent me a text message earlier this week: Remember that God always has a plan and he’s taking a little more time to make yours a little extra special.
As you already know (I assume you do since everyone tells me that you’re omniscient), she and I are facing a few challenges in the babymaking field, and we were just wondering what’s the cause of the delay.
We try to look on the bright side – and are guessing that maybe you and your team of designer angels are taking a little more time to create limited edition designer babies for us. It certainly sounds very exciting and we’re looking forward to seeing them. But to be honest, we don’t mind having offspring from the main collection, who look a little more in line with other kids out there. However, if you insist on making us something special, maybe you could consider building in a self-cleaning function while you’re at it (we choose practicality over design frills any day.) That would be useful.
It could be that both our project files are sitting somewhere at the bottom of your in-tray, buried under a pile of other stuff that you need to do, and that you’re not aware of them (I’m sure that even omniscient beings tend to forget things sometimes, even though it’s probably a very rare occurrence for you.) With all due respect (cos we know that you’re a very busy guy), you should know that procrastination is not a very good habit to inculcate. Our teachers and parents (and now our bosses) used to say that all the time. We totally understand if you’re having a bad day at work and are dragging your feet over our projects. It happens to all of us down here. We kinda feel like that sometimes in the office – very sian – so we know how you feel. It’s only human.
Maybe you haven’t looked at your calendar in a while, but my friend and I have been trying for quite a bit of time now (with our respective husbands, of course) – for many many months, in fact. We know it doesn’t seem that long cos time flies, whether you’re on earth on in heaven. We’re truly sorry to have to bug you (so pai seh), cos we know you’re really busy, especially with so many prayers to answer during the school exam period, and also with so many weddings to attend now that the Seventh Month is over. But we thought we’d try to catch you before the onslaught of the Christmas festivities, before your inbox gets flooded with e-invites to birthday parties all over the world for your son.
It must be stressful looking at all those unread emails from so many people asking for this and that all the time. We hope that you’re not suffering from burnout, cos we really need your help right now. If we could offer you some advice: it helps to take a day off from work to relax at the spa or do some shopping. Your Covering Angel could always help cover your duties for a day (just don’t forget to leave his name and contact details in your Out-of-Office message.) Some little me-time always works wonders for us. You’ll go back to the office feeling recharged and ready to take on the world, pronto. Take our word for it, just like how people always believe in your Word 🙂
We both think you’re really lucky cos even though staff performance review is around the corner, you have nothing to worry about, not like the rest of us. Because you’re your own boss. No one to conduct appraisals on your work performance. That must be nice. To be able to take things at your own time and pace. But try not to take too much time with our cases please? There are only so many times that we can listen to Bon Jovi’s “Keep The Faith” to keep our spirits up.
Maybe you should add our projects to the top of your To Do list. Highlight our names with bright fluorescent yellow highlighter so that you won’t miss us out. We recommend the Stabilo highlighter pens which we used when we were students cramming for exams. Those were really good. Flagging our names with bright pink ‘Urgent’ sticky tabs wouldn’t do any harm either.
We know that it’s the weekend and you might need a day of rest, with tomorrow being Sunday and all, to attend church and chillax with the family. But we would really appreciate it if you could look into our cases when you log into your office desktop on Monday. Try to sleep early the night before – it really helps lessen the Monday blues. A strong cup of coffee in the morning also helps to keep the Z-Monster at bay (not that we think you need caffeine to fight demons, actually.)
Could I also ask of you a tiny tiny favour? You know those awful, rude people who cross our paths once in a while? The ones who somehow lost all the EQ, brains and common sense that you so generously doled out to them. The ones who irritate the hell out of us (it’s okay to mention ‘hell’ right?) with their insensitive remarks, like how we should “hurry up and have children so that so-and-so can carry some babies”? I encountered one particularly awful one today, whom, despite knowing full well how hard we’re trying and the measures we’re taking to conceive, insisted on hurrying us to get on with Round 2. Don’t they know that going for another IVF/IUI attempt isn’t quite the same as re-sitting for a failed math test?! Dear God, do you think that you could send some doves to poop on their heads several times a day, preferably when they’re wearing their best outfit or have just shampooed their hair? Or let them slip on an artfully-placed banana peel and fall on their bums in front of a crowd? That would be so nice. Pretty please? I could think of worse punishment but I don’t want you to think any less of me for being so vengeful.
Okay, I guess I had better let you get on with your stuff now. Thank you for taking the time to read this email. We look forward to receiving your favourable reply.
Have a good weekend! (But try not to forget us okay?) 🙂
Vetted By: The Husband
With Inputs From: miss ene