9 May 2010, by Dannie

Biohazardous Me – Part 1

It’s been about 8 months since the wife and I started having unprotected sex.

I have stopped boasting about how my Super Sperm will impregnate her in no time, because the unfortunate truth is that my gazillion sperm have impregnated her 0 times. Something is not right. We started wondering if there was anything wrong with us. Our worries fell into three main categories:

1)    There was something wrong with her — and there really seems to be a LOT of things that can be wrong with a woman’s body, I realized!

2)    There was something wrong with me — and the only thing that can be wrong with me is that I left out my sperm’s middle name… Super Weakling Sperm

3)    There was kryptonite somewhere along the route from her vulva to the womb.

We figured reason 3 has probably the smallest chance of being true, so we focused our attention on reasons 1 & 2.

Because the woman’s reproductive system is such a complicated thing, Yi Lin has to go through a whole battery of tests, of which some of them, I can barely pronounce.

Lucky me, I just had to go for one. Semen Analysis.

(Which brings to mind the name of a bank that we saw while we were in Boston. Why would anyone want to name a bank ‘Seamen Bank’??!)

Anyway, the requirements of the semen analysis were conveyed to the wife while she was undergoing her checkup. With a straight face, the nurse explained to her that she should make sure I ‘discharge’ 3 days before the test date.

“Discharge,” She deadpanned, “can be either through masturbation or sex.”

If I were present, I would have asked her why a blowjob is not acceptable. But moving on…

After discharge, we were to abstain, so that after 3 days, I would have a nice full batch of warm creamy semen for them to play around with. On the test date, only masturbation was allowed, so that no other chemicals come in contact with the semen. I was to come into my little bottle, then come immediately to the hospital within an hour. Oh, and yes, the hospital specified that I had to come (to the hospital) between 2.30pm to 3.30pm, within an hour after coming (into the bottle).

“If your husband finds the timing difficult, he can come to the hospital to masturbate in the toilet.”

Okay, seriously, next time I go to the hospital, no matter how full my bladder is, I’m not entering the toilet between 2.30pm to 3.30pm.

After that, the nurse handed a little bottle to the wife. The bottle was in a Ziploc bag labeled BIOHAZARD. Which was why the wife was smirking as she handed the whole package to me. Biohazard huh? Yeah… we sure wouldn’t want it splashing around on other people…

All biohazardous material should be ziploc'd and kept away from terrorists

We worked out our schedule based on the submission date and were pretty pleased to find that the discharge date was on a Sunday. Great! No need to rush to work in the morning. And no need to come back too tired to make love.

Then we screwed ourselves up and made plans for an early morning outing, which dragged into the afternoon, and then it was time to visit my in-laws to have the usual Sunday dinner together. Dinner was at some super-noisy place with a low ceiling, and the wife got a headache.

“Go masturbate yourself, baby. I’ve got a headache.”

Damn. She’s never used that excuse before!

Unbeknownst to her, I had also developed a headache over the course of dinner, and I was still recovering from a throat infection at that time too. And it was a damned humid night. I’ve never had so much trouble masturbating before. I would get near to climax and a sudden spasm of coughing would come. The sheets were wet with sweat. The head on my neck was throbbing more than the head in my hands.

I finally succeeded in ‘discharging my duty’ and fell into an exhausted sleep at almost 4am.

(to be continued)

Posted on : May 9, 2010

Filed under : Life After Wedding, Planning For Baby


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